Harry Potter Goes to College
by R.E. Ravenclaw
Summary: If Harry Potter and Friends went to college. Yeah, we went there.


"Can I chase him with a chain saw? How about a fake chain saw? What good is a wet noodle going to do?" Harry yelled into the phone as he lugged his bags into the dorm room that would be his home for the better part of the next year.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Harry mumbled to himself, setting his bags down on the floor of what would be his home for the next four years. It was bad enough that he was going to a Muggle college in the first place; why did Hermione have to insist he become an R.A. as well? And to top things off, He Who Must Not Be Named, Muggle-Slaying Douche Extraordinaire - Tom Fucking Riddle - was staying on the same floor. Could things get any worse?

Harry looked around his tiny room - at least it was a single - and sat down on his bed. There was a knock on the door. Harry opened it and found himself staring into the face Cho Chang, the other R.A. for the 11th floor.

"Hi, Harry!" Cho exclaimed! "We have to go! Our residents are starting to arrive and I'm a little worried about Hagrid and Gilderoy. It's only the first day and they are already at each other's throats. And by the way, you didn't eat those cookies in the common room, did you? I know you're allergic to peanuts."

Harry wasn't really listening. He was too distracted by one of his residents walking down the hall.

"Hey Ginny, what are you and Luna doing?" Harry questioned, trying to be coy.

"Oh…you know…not much" Ginny mumbled.

"Do you wanna…come in my room?" Harry fails at being coy.

"I have to…wash my hair, come on Luna." said Ginny as she tore Luna away from fixing her fairy wings.

Just then, Harry heard a crash from one of the rooms down the hall. Shaking off all inappropriate thoughts of Ginny washing her hair, he raced down the hall and stops in a doorway. There, Charlie Weasley was pointing his wand at Tom Riddle, who was hissing in anger, spit flying everywhere as he attempted to summon the nonexistent snakes.

"Charlie bit my finger!" whined Tom Riddle. The Weasley brother did nothing but glare, and Harry had a sneaking suspicion that Charlie had learned a few tricks from those dragons in Romania, though he was fully on the redhead's side.

"Yea," said Harry disbelievingly, "And Gilderoy Lockhart's as straight as an arrow."

"Just you wait, Harry Potter!" retorted Voldemort in a raging snit, "I'll have my revenge!"

And with this stinging parting remark, he attempted to make a dramatic exit out of the room, but was stopped by Bellatrix Lestrange, who was standing behind Tom, having seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"Have you seen Molly?" she asked suggestively, her Chesire Cat grin looming in the air. "I thought she could, uh, help me with something."

"How many times do I have to tell you, Bellatrix? Molly Weasely is NOT interested in you. She has seven kids for Christ's sake!" Tom shouted as he stormed out of the room, feelings still hurt after his little spat with Charlie.

Meanwhile, Charlie was sitting in a corner laughing manically about biting Tom's finger.

"That's what you get your menacing, muggle killing *insert profanity here*-"

"Now Charlie, what did I tell you about mumbling threatening remarks? Eventually they'll turn into a hex and then you'll be sorry"

"Harry, you suck at being a RA, you know that?"

"It's all Hermionie's fault…" mumbled Harry as he went to sulk in the other corner.

As everybody in the room pouted in different corners, Tom riddle glided down the hallway toward to elevators. But before he could make his not-as-dramatic-as-the-last-one-could-have-been-but-still-fairly-dramatic exit, Collin Creevy popped out of thin air waving a pile of papers around above his head.

"Tom! Hey, Tom! Tom! I was just wondering, Tom, if you'd read my script? It's about a bunch of people who really want to…"

"Crucio."

"Ahhh!"

Tom entered the elevator and laughed manically, finally achieving an acceptably dramatic exit.

"Harry! Harry!" cried Colin, flagging Harry down as he passed.

"What," said Harry flatly, whipping around to face the unfortunate boy. Harry was officially done for the day, though it'd barely begun.

"Tom Riddle Crucio'd me!" He paused, "I kinda liked it."

Harry was saved from having to reply to this awkward revelation by Tonks passing by.

"Well, you know what they say about this school…" she said with a knowing smirk.

"GAY BY MAY!" shouted Dumbledore joyfully, hugging random passerby as he made his merry way down the hallway. Harry was beginning to wonder if reincarnating the old codger had been such a good idea after all.

Dumbledore ran up to Harry, gave him a giant kiss on the cheek and said, "Harry, my boy, I fucking love you!" and then proceeded to pop into the next room he saw to go and spread the love some more.

As Harry made his way back to his room to take a break from the multitudes of hormones flying around, Fleur Delacour appeared gracefully from her bedroom. She was looking as smoking' as ever, tattoos glistening under the fluorescent light of the hallway.

"Are there any guys around here I can fuck?" she slurred drunkenly.

"Oh dear," thought Harry. "This is going to be a long year."

Harry tried to discourage the mob that followed Fleur down the hall, but it didn't work so he went back to his corner and sulked.

Later that evening, Hagrid was relaxing in the common room playing Legend of Zelda when two semi drunk people came stumbling in. Upon further inspection, which is difficult to do when two people are connected at the mouth, he realized they were none other than Seamus Finnigan and Hannah Abbot.

"Such an awkward couple…" Hagrid mumbled before raising his voice so the two could hear him. "Hey Seamus, Hannah. Um… what's up?"

Before they two could disconnect, Trelawny burst through the door, eyes wide, Oregon tattoo shown proudly.

"They won't last!" she predicted before dancing back out of the room.

"I'm going to bed." Hagrid said, turning off the console and leaving the room.

Back in the Chamber of Secrets, which was really the tranny bathroom on the fourth floor, Tom Riddle was hatching his plan for absolute revenge with the help of Mrs. Norris.

"We'll get 'im, my sweet kitteh, we will!" declared Tom Riddle defiantly, stroking his pussy lovingly. "I have the perfect plan!"

Later that night, Harry was unwinding from his tiring day, hanging out with Hermione and Ron in the common room.

"Do you guys want anything from the C-store?" he asked. "Just nothing with peanuts, remember."

"Sure!" said Ron flamboyantly, "Let's go together!"

They danced out of the room holding hands, as usual. Harry pressed the "down" button on the elevator, when suddenly Hermione let out a shriek as they all flew furiously through the air.

There was a loud thud as all three fell to the ground.

"Ugh! This place is so dirty!" Ron remarked. "My navy blue pea-coat will never be the same."

"Where are we?" Harry questioned as he looked around at the tombstones, silently protruding from the fall leaves.

"I think we're in the Common." said Hermione. "But why? I didn't think there was a Quidditch game today."

Guys, why would we have gone from the elevator to the Common?"

BUT THEN, out of nowhere came Voldemort, followed by all of his death eaters.

"'Aaaaarryyyyy! I told you I would get my revenge, and now I shall! Nobody lets biting Tom Riddle's finger go unpunished!"

"You're a loony!" Hermione shouted in a fit of rage as she and Ron were grabbed from behind by evil minions.

Harry was pushed against a tree and tied to it with shoe laces. The Death Eaters then proceeded to throw stale croissants at him.

"Stop, stop, his outfit is too cute!" Ron yelled in pure terror.

"Mwahahahaha! And now, for the REVENGE! Are you hungry, Harry?" Riddle asked in a strong French accent.

"Actually, now that you mention it…"

"Good. Then have a sandwich!"


End file.
